So I know I've shared before that I've been having some problems with breastfeeding. And after numerous visits with a lactation consultant, endless nursing/pumping sessions, and a drug whose main side effect was to make me want to lay in bed and cry all day, I'm finding that I just do not make enough milk to sustain my child. David is a lazy eater, and the catch-22 of nursing is that if your kid doesn't eat enough, you stop producing enough. It's been a downward spiral the past few weeks.
totally intense charts I've had to keep: time and length of feeding, quality of feeding, diaper contents, amount of supplement, amount of expressed milk. I feel like I've been working on a crappy science fair project.
I keep second guessing myself and wondering, maybe if I didn't let him have that one bottle in the hospital when I hadn't slept in a day and a half, maybe if I would have seen a different lactation consultant, things might be different. But I'm coming around to see the realities of feeding my child will be: nursing if I can, pumping if I can, and making up the difference with formula.
It's been incredibly heart wrenching and I will admit I spent a large portion of the past week crying, but I feel ten times better today. I know this is the beginning of many hurdles of parenthood that basically teach the same lesson: you have to do what is best for your family with the resources you have, in a way that will maintain your sanity. I don't want to spend all of David's infant months weeping over ounces of milk; I want to spend them loving and enjoying him. I've made my peace and am moving forward.