my little buddy

I can't believe it's been a month since our David came into the world. The days are becoming kind of blurry at this point. . . every day is similar but there's no real pattern yet. Just lots of feeding, napping, being held, crying a little. He loves to lay on the ground and just kick his arms and legs around. Little baby excercise! It's amazing to watch him grow and change every day. About a week ago we definitely noticed him actually starting to look at things, and he's making all kinds of noises now, too. He's our little Grunty Magoo.

My thoughts are pretty quiet so I don't have a lot to share. I feel all my energy streaming out of me straight into the little guy, so there's not a lot left over for anything else. I do post to my tumblr almost everyday. It's one of the little things I try to do on a daily basis to make myself feel like I'm accomplishing something. I feel pretty good if I do the dishes and get a load of laundry done every day. It's a pretty small world for me. I think that's how it should be though, just me and my little guy.

how we spend our afternoons

napping and listening to andrew bird. feeling peaceful. i think we're both too warm but i don't want to wake the little guy!

thoughts at three weeks

I'm trying to gather some thoughts together about the transition from being pregnant to being a parent. It's unlike anything else I've ever experienced mentally, physically, emotionally. I look at all the books I read and classes I took about childbirth or childcare, and it all seems a bit futile. I'm glad I was mentally prepared, and had a good base knowledge, but the reality of it blows any kind of practical knowledge away.

I had such an amazing pregnancy, I wonder if that's not part of the reason the transition was a little hard for me. I always hear about women that are so glad to not be pregnant that having a kid seems like a breeze, but it was the opposite for me. Man, being pregnant was great. I actually felt better during most of those months than I do normally; and I know that makes me incredibly lucky.

After those few rough weeks, I finally feel like I've settled in and am really enjoying my time at home with my son. And at almost three weeks out, I'm feeling a little more like my self, like my identity is coming back, I'm not just a Mom. Its reassuring after some time wondering if I'd ever feel the same again.

The pleasant weather here has helped immensely, too. We got out for a walk three days in a row, fresh air and sunshine never felt so good.

in between

couldn't resist this shot. :)

This afternoon my mother in law came over to take David off my hands for a few hours so I could run errands and get out in the world. It was only my second time away from him in the two weeks since he was born, and man . . . it's weird. How can you miss someone you've only been away from for twenty minutes? I didn't even make it an hour and a half before I came home again. 

I would have been gone longer, maybe, if I had any cash on me. Can you believe I forgot my ATM pin number? It's been so long since I've used it it's completely slipped my mind. 

I had intended on doing some thrift shopping this afternoon but I have a cash-only thrifting policy (I like to limit myself so I don't buy things I don't need just because they're cheap.) My wardrobe right now is pretty sad.  If I'm not wearing pajamas and my husbands t-shirts, I'm wearing maternity clothes. The problem is, most of my maternity clothes are work clothes, which isn't great for hanging around the house. And my regular clothes definitely do not fit yet. Maybe this weekend I'll find the time to get out again and go buy some $2 t shirts. 

my kid doesn't suck

um, literally.

So I know I've shared before that I've been having some problems with breastfeeding. And after numerous visits with a lactation consultant, endless nursing/pumping sessions, and a drug whose main side effect was to make me want to lay in bed and cry all day, I'm finding that I just do not make enough milk to sustain my child. David is a lazy eater, and the catch-22 of nursing is that if your kid doesn't eat enough, you stop producing enough. It's been a downward spiral the past few weeks. 

totally intense charts I've had to keep: time and length of feeding, quality of feeding, diaper contents, amount of supplement, amount of expressed milk. I feel like I've been working on a crappy science fair project.

I keep second guessing myself and wondering, maybe if I didn't let him have that one bottle in the hospital when I hadn't slept in a day and a half, maybe if I would have seen a different lactation consultant, things might be different. But I'm coming around to see the realities of feeding my child will be: nursing if I can, pumping if I can, and making up the difference with formula.

It's been incredibly heart wrenching and I will admit I spent a large portion of the past week crying, but I feel ten times better today. I know this is the beginning of many hurdles of parenthood that basically teach the same lesson: you have to do what is best for your family with the resources you have, in a way that will maintain your sanity. I don't want to spend all of David's infant months weeping over ounces of milk; I want to spend them loving and enjoying him. I've made my peace and am moving forward. 

afternoon shadows

enjoying the relatively quiet days at home. 

One week and a bit

Yesterday was a big day for our family: David's baptism! I know a lot of people wondered why we didn't wait a while to baptize him, but it's something that's pretty important to Mike and I and I'm so glad we did it. 

It is such a blessing to have a pastor for a dad. Not only did he marry us, but he also performed the baptism yesterday, for his namesake grandson. While it was happening I remember feeling like it was one of the most holy moments of my life, with my dad performing the sacrament, my brother and sister in law as sponsors, and our church's pastors there too. It felt nice to be in church, too, something so normal to me after the past week of non-normalcy. 

After all of yesterday's hoopla and family visits and running around, we're decompressing a bit today. It's so nice to have Mike at home for an extra hand with diaper changes and milk warming. The next five days alone are looming large for me. I'm lucky that David sleeps so well at night, but I'm definitely still adjusting to being at home and learning how to take care of this new little person all by myself. 

baby and puppy, just hangin' out