my little buddy

I can't believe it's been a month since our David came into the world. The days are becoming kind of blurry at this point. . . every day is similar but there's no real pattern yet. Just lots of feeding, napping, being held, crying a little. He loves to lay on the ground and just kick his arms and legs around. Little baby excercise! It's amazing to watch him grow and change every day. About a week ago we definitely noticed him actually starting to look at things, and he's making all kinds of noises now, too. He's our little Grunty Magoo.

My thoughts are pretty quiet so I don't have a lot to share. I feel all my energy streaming out of me straight into the little guy, so there's not a lot left over for anything else. I do post to my tumblr almost everyday. It's one of the little things I try to do on a daily basis to make myself feel like I'm accomplishing something. I feel pretty good if I do the dishes and get a load of laundry done every day. It's a pretty small world for me. I think that's how it should be though, just me and my little guy.

how we spend our afternoons

napping and listening to andrew bird. feeling peaceful. i think we're both too warm but i don't want to wake the little guy!

thoughts at three weeks

I'm trying to gather some thoughts together about the transition from being pregnant to being a parent. It's unlike anything else I've ever experienced mentally, physically, emotionally. I look at all the books I read and classes I took about childbirth or childcare, and it all seems a bit futile. I'm glad I was mentally prepared, and had a good base knowledge, but the reality of it blows any kind of practical knowledge away.

I had such an amazing pregnancy, I wonder if that's not part of the reason the transition was a little hard for me. I always hear about women that are so glad to not be pregnant that having a kid seems like a breeze, but it was the opposite for me. Man, being pregnant was great. I actually felt better during most of those months than I do normally; and I know that makes me incredibly lucky.

After those few rough weeks, I finally feel like I've settled in and am really enjoying my time at home with my son. And at almost three weeks out, I'm feeling a little more like my self, like my identity is coming back, I'm not just a Mom. Its reassuring after some time wondering if I'd ever feel the same again.

The pleasant weather here has helped immensely, too. We got out for a walk three days in a row, fresh air and sunshine never felt so good.

in between

couldn't resist this shot. :)

This afternoon my mother in law came over to take David off my hands for a few hours so I could run errands and get out in the world. It was only my second time away from him in the two weeks since he was born, and man . . . it's weird. How can you miss someone you've only been away from for twenty minutes? I didn't even make it an hour and a half before I came home again. 

I would have been gone longer, maybe, if I had any cash on me. Can you believe I forgot my ATM pin number? It's been so long since I've used it it's completely slipped my mind. 

I had intended on doing some thrift shopping this afternoon but I have a cash-only thrifting policy (I like to limit myself so I don't buy things I don't need just because they're cheap.) My wardrobe right now is pretty sad.  If I'm not wearing pajamas and my husbands t-shirts, I'm wearing maternity clothes. The problem is, most of my maternity clothes are work clothes, which isn't great for hanging around the house. And my regular clothes definitely do not fit yet. Maybe this weekend I'll find the time to get out again and go buy some $2 t shirts. 

my kid doesn't suck

um, literally.

So I know I've shared before that I've been having some problems with breastfeeding. And after numerous visits with a lactation consultant, endless nursing/pumping sessions, and a drug whose main side effect was to make me want to lay in bed and cry all day, I'm finding that I just do not make enough milk to sustain my child. David is a lazy eater, and the catch-22 of nursing is that if your kid doesn't eat enough, you stop producing enough. It's been a downward spiral the past few weeks. 

totally intense charts I've had to keep: time and length of feeding, quality of feeding, diaper contents, amount of supplement, amount of expressed milk. I feel like I've been working on a crappy science fair project.

I keep second guessing myself and wondering, maybe if I didn't let him have that one bottle in the hospital when I hadn't slept in a day and a half, maybe if I would have seen a different lactation consultant, things might be different. But I'm coming around to see the realities of feeding my child will be: nursing if I can, pumping if I can, and making up the difference with formula.

It's been incredibly heart wrenching and I will admit I spent a large portion of the past week crying, but I feel ten times better today. I know this is the beginning of many hurdles of parenthood that basically teach the same lesson: you have to do what is best for your family with the resources you have, in a way that will maintain your sanity. I don't want to spend all of David's infant months weeping over ounces of milk; I want to spend them loving and enjoying him. I've made my peace and am moving forward. 

afternoon shadows

enjoying the relatively quiet days at home. 

One week and a bit

Yesterday was a big day for our family: David's baptism! I know a lot of people wondered why we didn't wait a while to baptize him, but it's something that's pretty important to Mike and I and I'm so glad we did it. 

It is such a blessing to have a pastor for a dad. Not only did he marry us, but he also performed the baptism yesterday, for his namesake grandson. While it was happening I remember feeling like it was one of the most holy moments of my life, with my dad performing the sacrament, my brother and sister in law as sponsors, and our church's pastors there too. It felt nice to be in church, too, something so normal to me after the past week of non-normalcy. 

After all of yesterday's hoopla and family visits and running around, we're decompressing a bit today. It's so nice to have Mike at home for an extra hand with diaper changes and milk warming. The next five days alone are looming large for me. I'm lucky that David sleeps so well at night, but I'm definitely still adjusting to being at home and learning how to take care of this new little person all by myself. 

baby and puppy, just hangin' out

cuteface

David, 6 days

We had a good morning today. Last night I slept for more than 4 hours, and this morning David has been either alert, eating, or sleeping; not too much frustrating in-between of crying or fussing. We even danced around listening to Jack Johnson for a while. Happy times. 

This afternoon has been . . . okay.  I met with a lactation consultant about my breastfeeding issues and the news wasn't great. I have pretty low supply for some reason she couldn't pinpoint. Thankfully I have a new plan of attack and it can only get better from here.  

a whole new life

Me and my David

We had our baby! The experience was unbelievable. . . yeah, I still can't really wrap my head around it. Can't believe this precious thing grew inside my body and now lives in this world.

I've been writing a long story about my labor, which I'll post at some point. I'm happy with my birth experience, which is nice because it's been a little rough since then. I'm not going to lie, this has probably been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Nursing is not coming easily, going without sleep is definitely not fun. It's just hard, and I know people always tell you that, but it's totally different to live through it.

Which is not to say that this isn't also the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like I understand Love in a whole new way. For not only my son, but for my husband too. He has been a total saint.

More to come soon. . .

dropped!

I can't figure out why this baby isn't here yet. I've been dilated to 3 cm for more than a week, and the doctor keeps telling me I have a "favorable cervix." Every day I have more Braxton Hicks contractions. And the baby has definitely dropped. See above for evidence (and compare to a week ago!)

I know I've said this before, but my emotions really do vascillate between peace and anxiety these days. I know that the baby will come when it's ready. I know that this is not my event to plan. (Which is part of the reason I'm slightly uncomfortable with the idea of being induced, which will happen this coming Sunday if there's no baby before then.) I know I need to be patient and let whatever happens happen without fretting about it. But I'm ready, we're ready!

I was really hoping to give birth on this historic day. How amazing would that have been? I suppose there are still a few hours left in the day, though by this time I'd rather just have a good night's sleep and start laboring tomorrow morning. Let's all hope.

baby watch!

I feel like I'm on Baby Watch this week, like it's a storm or big event followed by a local news station. It should have it's own theme graphics and music.



Thanks Brian Fantana.

So, update: no baby. However, I did have a lovely day yesterday so I can't complain. Lazed around in the morning, got a pedicure in the afternoon, made some art, watched Juno. Appropriate, I know.

There's been a repeating pattern this week that I can't quite figure out though. Every evening I start to feel. . . different, somehow, and go to bed thinking this will be our last sleep without a baby. Then when I wake up the feeling has totally passed. At this point I'm just assuming the kid is taking after his or her mother (punctuality is not a strength of mine) so I'm trying not to get too impatient.

remaining days

belly update! 39.5 weeks. large and in charge. 

I have four more days until my due date. At this point, it's safe to say I'll probably be overdue. Just a hunch. I hope it's not by too much though.  I still feel pretty good but it's hard to wait and wait and wait for something and then . . . . wait some more. I've been going back and forth between feeling peaceful and feeling super restless. I know I need to cherish these last days of childlessness. 

A few good things:

- I have successfully navigated this pregnancy without getting cankles. HOORAY! It was one of my biggest fears. Stupid, I know, but yeah, just one of those things. I still fit into my regular shoes and boots. They might not zip up all the way, but they fit!

- It's the coldest week of the year. So far it hasn't affected me much. Maybe my inner pregnancy heater finally kicked in. (Which is a good thing since my winter coat no longer buttons very efficiently.)

-In my delicate condition, everyone at work worries about me driving. Any amount of snow fall = snow day! Tomorrow's looking pretty good. 

well, I'll be

I actually made some art. Hurray! A few pages from the week of Christmas. There are more on my flickr, and more for me to add tomorrow, too. 

(The book is getting so fat that it doesn't open flat anymore, hence my fingers in every picture. I kind of like it though. Gives it a nice scale.)

Anyway, besides art, here are a few other things that have been occupying my time this week:

-updating my tumblr more often. I think my attention span is better suited to tumblr these days. 

-Rereading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I highly recommend this to any pregnant woman, or really any woman. I usually have an aversion to this word, but it's very. . . empowering. And has helped me to overcome some of my fears and weirdnesses about birth. One disclaimer, it is kind of for hippies, so if you are not into crunchy tales of giving birth naturally on a farm, it might not be the book for you. But I'm into it. 

-Trying to maintain a positive attitude despite the fact that I have HAD IT with wives tales, other people's advice, birthing horror stories, etc. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I think I take things too seriously, I just need to let all of it roll off my back. Honestly, though, who wouldn't hate hearing things like, "your hips are too small to give birth naturally." What the hell, ladies?! Let's be kind and understanding with one another. Luckily the good stories and sharing have outnumbered the bad, but the bad ones just linger with me. 

-On to better things. . . . I checked out Swedish Cakes and Cookies from the library and I think I might actually have to buy it. I made "Marta's Chocolate Slices" last night and not only were they super simple to make, the results were fantastic. Plus the book is just cute:

magical science experiment

giant baby! 37 weeks. photobooth self-portrait.

Sometimes I forget that I look like this. Then I find myself near a full length mirror and it wigs me out a little. 

There have been a few periods of time during my pregnancy that I've felt really connected to the season in one way or another. Some of the milestones seemed to really merge with the larger patterns of the year.  It turns out that I had planted most of my garden right around when I got pregnant. And then I took the pregnancy test on Mother's Day. And soon after that, little seedlings started coming up in the backyard. The zinnias were in full bloom and the tomatoes were finally ready right around when I started showing. 

And then, Advent. The time when the church prepares for Jesus coming into the world as a little baby. So this Advent was super meaningful to me. . .preparing for our own little baby. I woke up the day after Christmas and just kind of felt Ready in a way I hadn't felt before. 

So that's where I am. Despite wondering and fears and nervous anticipation, I do feel like we're ready. Almost there. 

And in other good news, I also got some of my making mojo back. I've actually been making collages and drawing and finishing the quilt I started months ago. I really hope this continues for the next few weeks. Who knows what my creative life will be like after that. . . 

Merry Christmas

image from notebookdoodles. (a new blog discovery, which is a gift in itself.)

Although it's been a tough few days, the sun is finally out today and I'm feeling happy and Christmassy. This was the first year ever that I've not been with my family on Christmas Eve, which was difficult. But video iChat, lots of baking, and positive thoughts have made a big difference. Even though I'm not with my loved ones, at least I have them and it's just one day out of the year.

Today we had breakfast and presenting with Mike's family, and now we're watching episodes of Arrested Development and working on crosswords. I made croissants and pain au chocolate, which has been on my baking to-do list for a while, and feels like a nice accomplishment. Maybe later today a nap and some snacks, with fake champagne. Yay.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Fireplace mantle dressed up for Christmas.

I will be spending most of my day in this room. . . . I'm home from work! Yay for bosses that do not want a pregnant woman driving in a snowstorm. It's a good day for baking cookies and finishing a bunch of baby-related tasks I've been meaning to work on.

santa claus came early

so, guess what? we have a new baby in our house. and no, it's not a human baby.


it's a macbook! yay. it's been so long since I've had a laptop, I'm pretty stoked. photobooth is pretty sweet too. i have a feeling there will be many many photos that look very similar to these.

holidays and indignities

On the homefront.
I'll tell you a secret: I don't feel like I am very good at decorating for holidays. I don't like a lot of store bought stuff (which means i don't like spending money on store bought stuff) and when I attempt to make my own I'm not pleased with the results. This usually means our house doesn't have too many holiday touches. Which is why we haven't ever put up a big tree and we've been married adults for four Christmases now. I'm determined to change that this year. Or at least improve.

But it's December 7 and we still don't have a christmas tree. Two reasons: We are indecisive. and. Why are all the fake trees pre-lit nowadays? What a cop out.

I am having Mike finally bring down the advent/Christmas decorations from the attic later today. i don't mind not having a tree. but the house feels empty now without the advent candles and nativity scene.

But I did bake gingerbread men today so some sort of festivity has been achieved.

On the pregnancy front.
I am reaching a state of indignity. Putting on shoes and socks is a challenge. I finally broke down and bought the kind of jeans that goes over the belly. It's a new level of pregnant around here.

new art making space

Most of my art supplies are now condensed into a basket for big paper and a rolling cart/shelves for small papers, photos, and everything else. The cart fits pretty neatly into the front closet. And when I need to work, I roll it out and work at the dining room table. So far I'm pretty pleased with the arrangement. The lighting in the dining room is a lot cozier than the office, so that's a plus.

I can't say there's much. . or anything. . happening there right now though. I'm exhausted today. I actually fell asleep on the couch at 6:45 waiting for Mike to come home and make me dinner. It's been kind of a rough week at work, so I'm not sure if it's that or some crazy baby growth spurt. Either way, I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

organic

from playnice:

Your joy is organic.
Birthdays, weddings, firsts of any kind- we want these events to be special. But you can’t force a moment to have meaning. Keeping your heart open will give you more meaningful times than you could ever force. And without the stress of willful over-planning, you can relax and enjoy the memories you’re making.
Today remind yourself: My joy is organic.

nice thoughts for the beginning of December.

My month is off to a good start. I've even made some collages in the past few days! Wonders never cease. I'm reviving my December envelope book project. It's a happy thing to work on as the days get merrier and the baby gets ready to be born.