massive mixed feelings

tummy time! This is important as the back of David's head seems to be getting flatter. 

Things have been going extremely well lately. It's actually a shame, since just as everything has fallen into place, I'll be going back to work soon. 

My days at home have developed into a pleasant pattern. In the mornings, I bring David into bed with me and usually feed him there. It's such a nice cuddly time. The rest of the day is playtime, feeding, rocking, sleeping, repeat repeat repeat. There are some days when he goes on a Nap Strike, and those days are less than pleasant, but I think I'm getting better about reading his sleepy cues and getting him down before he gets overtired. But on days he does take good naps, I can make dinner or bake something, do some yoga, work on art projects, spend time online. And even though it IS hard work to take care of a baby, I know I'll miss this relaxed pace of life when I have to return to the office. 

I can't imagine that I could have more conflicted feelings about going back to work. There's a large part of me that can't wait to get back: to see my friends, to have adult interaction again, and even just to work again. I miss designing! But there's an equally large part that's kinda heartbroken over it. I know I'll miss him, and I also worry about the daycare thing. Even though I really like David's daycare, it's not the same as the one on one attention I can give him every day. Honestly I just try not to think about it too much. And if I'm continuing to be honest. . . I daydream a lot about working part time some day. At this point I don't know if I'm cut out to stay at home full time (the main drawback to maternity leave has been feelings of loneliness/isolation); but part time would be ideal. We'll see where time takes us.

my little buddy

I can't believe it's been a month since our David came into the world. The days are becoming kind of blurry at this point. . . every day is similar but there's no real pattern yet. Just lots of feeding, napping, being held, crying a little. He loves to lay on the ground and just kick his arms and legs around. Little baby excercise! It's amazing to watch him grow and change every day. About a week ago we definitely noticed him actually starting to look at things, and he's making all kinds of noises now, too. He's our little Grunty Magoo.

My thoughts are pretty quiet so I don't have a lot to share. I feel all my energy streaming out of me straight into the little guy, so there's not a lot left over for anything else. I do post to my tumblr almost everyday. It's one of the little things I try to do on a daily basis to make myself feel like I'm accomplishing something. I feel pretty good if I do the dishes and get a load of laundry done every day. It's a pretty small world for me. I think that's how it should be though, just me and my little guy.

thoughts at three weeks

I'm trying to gather some thoughts together about the transition from being pregnant to being a parent. It's unlike anything else I've ever experienced mentally, physically, emotionally. I look at all the books I read and classes I took about childbirth or childcare, and it all seems a bit futile. I'm glad I was mentally prepared, and had a good base knowledge, but the reality of it blows any kind of practical knowledge away.

I had such an amazing pregnancy, I wonder if that's not part of the reason the transition was a little hard for me. I always hear about women that are so glad to not be pregnant that having a kid seems like a breeze, but it was the opposite for me. Man, being pregnant was great. I actually felt better during most of those months than I do normally; and I know that makes me incredibly lucky.

After those few rough weeks, I finally feel like I've settled in and am really enjoying my time at home with my son. And at almost three weeks out, I'm feeling a little more like my self, like my identity is coming back, I'm not just a Mom. Its reassuring after some time wondering if I'd ever feel the same again.

The pleasant weather here has helped immensely, too. We got out for a walk three days in a row, fresh air and sunshine never felt so good.

my kid doesn't suck

um, literally.

So I know I've shared before that I've been having some problems with breastfeeding. And after numerous visits with a lactation consultant, endless nursing/pumping sessions, and a drug whose main side effect was to make me want to lay in bed and cry all day, I'm finding that I just do not make enough milk to sustain my child. David is a lazy eater, and the catch-22 of nursing is that if your kid doesn't eat enough, you stop producing enough. It's been a downward spiral the past few weeks. 

totally intense charts I've had to keep: time and length of feeding, quality of feeding, diaper contents, amount of supplement, amount of expressed milk. I feel like I've been working on a crappy science fair project.

I keep second guessing myself and wondering, maybe if I didn't let him have that one bottle in the hospital when I hadn't slept in a day and a half, maybe if I would have seen a different lactation consultant, things might be different. But I'm coming around to see the realities of feeding my child will be: nursing if I can, pumping if I can, and making up the difference with formula.

It's been incredibly heart wrenching and I will admit I spent a large portion of the past week crying, but I feel ten times better today. I know this is the beginning of many hurdles of parenthood that basically teach the same lesson: you have to do what is best for your family with the resources you have, in a way that will maintain your sanity. I don't want to spend all of David's infant months weeping over ounces of milk; I want to spend them loving and enjoying him. I've made my peace and am moving forward. 

remaining days

belly update! 39.5 weeks. large and in charge. 

I have four more days until my due date. At this point, it's safe to say I'll probably be overdue. Just a hunch. I hope it's not by too much though.  I still feel pretty good but it's hard to wait and wait and wait for something and then . . . . wait some more. I've been going back and forth between feeling peaceful and feeling super restless. I know I need to cherish these last days of childlessness. 

A few good things:

- I have successfully navigated this pregnancy without getting cankles. HOORAY! It was one of my biggest fears. Stupid, I know, but yeah, just one of those things. I still fit into my regular shoes and boots. They might not zip up all the way, but they fit!

- It's the coldest week of the year. So far it hasn't affected me much. Maybe my inner pregnancy heater finally kicked in. (Which is a good thing since my winter coat no longer buttons very efficiently.)

-In my delicate condition, everyone at work worries about me driving. Any amount of snow fall = snow day! Tomorrow's looking pretty good. 

well, I'll be

I actually made some art. Hurray! A few pages from the week of Christmas. There are more on my flickr, and more for me to add tomorrow, too. 

(The book is getting so fat that it doesn't open flat anymore, hence my fingers in every picture. I kind of like it though. Gives it a nice scale.)

Anyway, besides art, here are a few other things that have been occupying my time this week:

-updating my tumblr more often. I think my attention span is better suited to tumblr these days. 

-Rereading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I highly recommend this to any pregnant woman, or really any woman. I usually have an aversion to this word, but it's very. . . empowering. And has helped me to overcome some of my fears and weirdnesses about birth. One disclaimer, it is kind of for hippies, so if you are not into crunchy tales of giving birth naturally on a farm, it might not be the book for you. But I'm into it. 

-Trying to maintain a positive attitude despite the fact that I have HAD IT with wives tales, other people's advice, birthing horror stories, etc. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I think I take things too seriously, I just need to let all of it roll off my back. Honestly, though, who wouldn't hate hearing things like, "your hips are too small to give birth naturally." What the hell, ladies?! Let's be kind and understanding with one another. Luckily the good stories and sharing have outnumbered the bad, but the bad ones just linger with me. 

-On to better things. . . . I checked out Swedish Cakes and Cookies from the library and I think I might actually have to buy it. I made "Marta's Chocolate Slices" last night and not only were they super simple to make, the results were fantastic. Plus the book is just cute:

magical science experiment

giant baby! 37 weeks. photobooth self-portrait.

Sometimes I forget that I look like this. Then I find myself near a full length mirror and it wigs me out a little. 

There have been a few periods of time during my pregnancy that I've felt really connected to the season in one way or another. Some of the milestones seemed to really merge with the larger patterns of the year.  It turns out that I had planted most of my garden right around when I got pregnant. And then I took the pregnancy test on Mother's Day. And soon after that, little seedlings started coming up in the backyard. The zinnias were in full bloom and the tomatoes were finally ready right around when I started showing. 

And then, Advent. The time when the church prepares for Jesus coming into the world as a little baby. So this Advent was super meaningful to me. . .preparing for our own little baby. I woke up the day after Christmas and just kind of felt Ready in a way I hadn't felt before. 

So that's where I am. Despite wondering and fears and nervous anticipation, I do feel like we're ready. Almost there. 

And in other good news, I also got some of my making mojo back. I've actually been making collages and drawing and finishing the quilt I started months ago. I really hope this continues for the next few weeks. Who knows what my creative life will be like after that. . . 

Merry Christmas

image from notebookdoodles. (a new blog discovery, which is a gift in itself.)

Although it's been a tough few days, the sun is finally out today and I'm feeling happy and Christmassy. This was the first year ever that I've not been with my family on Christmas Eve, which was difficult. But video iChat, lots of baking, and positive thoughts have made a big difference. Even though I'm not with my loved ones, at least I have them and it's just one day out of the year.

Today we had breakfast and presenting with Mike's family, and now we're watching episodes of Arrested Development and working on crosswords. I made croissants and pain au chocolate, which has been on my baking to-do list for a while, and feels like a nice accomplishment. Maybe later today a nap and some snacks, with fake champagne. Yay.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Thanksgiving

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on my last post. It really is nice to be able to share something on a blog and feel like I'm receiving something good in return. I'm definitely less stressed now that I've made a list, and also given myself a reality check.

I have to say, I think Harriet might be on to something. . . maybe I really am more anxious about the baby than I'm willing to admit, but it's easy to transfer the worries to the furniture, to something tangible. So I have been turning those thoughts over in my mind and trying to make some peace about all of it.

And now, some happier, more Thanksgiving-ier news! I have been baking every night this week, which is so satisfying to me. Even when I'm doing two loads of dishes every night and not sitting down until 9 PM. We're having Thanksgiving at my parents tomorrow, so I really don't need to do or make too much, but I still like to bring something. This year it's two pies and some cinnamon rolls for Friday breakfast.

I'm super excited about this pie recipe from Martha Stewart Living, I think the November issue. Triple Chocolate Pumpkin pie! How can you go wrong?

(obviously not my photo! thank you amazing MSL food stylists!)

My other pie is pretty classic, the "Perfect Pumpkin Pie." I've made this one before. It really is foolproof, and takes almost no time if you opt to use a premade pie shell.

I'm so happy for this four day weekend and for all the things I have to be thankful for. I hope you have a great holiday, too.

to-dos

As I posted on twitter today, I'm starting to get a little hyperventilate-y about having a child in less than two months.

It's not labor I'm concerned about, or my life changing, or really the actual kid at all. I'm worried about STUFF.

I think it would be helpful for me to not listen to other people, ever. Throughout this pregnancy, the only time I have ever been nervous/anxious/scared is when I take people's questions and comments and turn them into something to fret about. People keep asking me, "oh, is your nursery all decorated?" And the answer is a big no. No crib, no changing table, no cute arrangement of books and toys on a cute shelf.

For the most part, I'm not super concerned about this. It'll get done, and if it doesn't, oh well, we'll figure it out once we get there. But the more people ask, the more I think about it. And freak out.

We still have to figure out how to rearrange our house. I feel like I'm putting together a Rubik's cube here. The guest bedroom will become the baby's room, and the office will become a combination office/guest bedroom. The issue is, what to do with our two giant desks, two computer workstations, my ginormous mountain of art supplies, etc. etc. And it kills me to say it. . . I feel like the art supplies will be the first thing to go. I have enough concerns about that to merit it's own blog post, so I'll just leave it at that. But otherwise. . . there are questions of storage, questions of furniture, questions of how is this all going to happen with a kid on the way, and during the busiest season of the year.

I think it's time to write a detailed to do list. Just to maintain some control over the whole ordeal.

and I know this is one of my rambliest blog posts ever, but it's just all on my mind and I thought I might as well share.

election day 2008, part 2

as american as. . . , originally uploaded by katie-oltremare.

I figured today is a fitting day to post something as patriotic as an apple pie. I made this on Sunday, and I think this was by far the prettiest pie I've ever baked. It was tasty, too, as evidenced by the fact that most of it was eaten before I even had a chance to take a photo.

I cast my ballot this morning, and I have to say I did get a little misty-eyed in the voting booth. I feel pretty proud today.

It was crazy at work, almost felt like a holiday. Just kind of a heightened sense of . . . something. Though that could have also been a heightened sense of worry about traffic. With the big Obama rally downtown lots of my coworkers were leaving early to avoid any big jams. It's kind of fun to live so close to all the action.

election day 2008

i had to share this: new york times election day "word train."

Users enter a word that describes their emotion and the site live updates. there are categories for everyone, mccain supporters, and obama supporters. here are some screen shots:

McCain:

Obama:

yay for typography and feelings and politics.

weekend bits

my pumpkin. It's supposed to say "i (heart) (narwhal)", but it actually just looks like a weird face to me.

Friday night we went to a pumpkin carving party, hosted by some of my friends from college that I hadn't seen in forever, which was nice. I have to say, I am glad that most of my social group has moved on from the "let's all get together and then drink way too much" era of socializing. Not only is it a plus for me to be pregnant and still have fun, it's so much nicer to be able to do something creative together, have interesting conversations about real topics, and get home at a decent hour. Yet another step forward into real adulthood.

Today was long (we forgot about switching the clocks last night) but I got a lot done and it's been a pleasant sunday. Made chili and baked a pie; cleaned a lot. All good things.



my lunch from today. leftover winter squash soup, triscuits and cheese, and v8. vegetable-y!

so, two blogs in two days. the momentum has started. [i meant to post this on sunday, that still counts, right?]

it's a delicious soup

Today was the last farmer's market of the year, and I'm so glad I went. The chilly weather seemed to turn most people away and it wasn't as crowded as it is normally. Today's goods: "Pumpkin Pecan" granola (yummy!), acorn squash and butternut squash to make this soup, Jonathan and Granny Smith apples for a pie, a few sweet potatoes to bake for side dishes this week, and a baguette from the nun's bakery. I thought it was funny that the lady who sold me all the produce said, "these will all keep for at least three months," I laughed and said it would probably all be eaten within the next four days. Seasonal fall foods are the best.

When I got home from the market I started roasting the squashes for tonight's soup, and listened to a Fresh Air interview with Michael Pollan. I don't know what I would do without Fresh Air podcasts. It's part of my Saturday domestic routine, cleaning or cooking while listening to Terry Gross interview fascinating people. I tend to get a little superstitious about things, either that or I'm just a huge creature of habit. I feel like I can't work in the kitchen without it.

So hey, it's National Blog Posting Month!I believe I have tried and failed to do this every year, and I'm sure this year will be no different. At least it makes me more aware of my sporadic blogging. I do have a lot to share and I also want to keep better track of what is happening in my life right now. . . my last few months before the baby. It would be nice to have a happy record of that.

happy day

good day today. why? oh,

• woke up early enough to do a pregnancy yoga DVD before work. it really is true that excercise makes you feel better. who knew?

• i let myself have a little regular coffee this morning. it's a semi weekly treat I allow myself and it always tastes and feels so good.

• wearing my new favorite earrings. something about my new haircut makes me want to wear giant roundish earrings. these were seven bucks from target and are the prettiest rosy gold color.



• all my favorite blogs updated today. yes, this makes my day nicer.

• work was busy but not crazy busy. ate lunch with friends and not at my desk, for once. had some pleasant afternoon conversations.

• and the obvious: it was the most beautiful october day today. crisp. the setting sun was gorgeous.

happiness.

happy home

i actually have a lot of artwork to share, but it's been so dark outside I've had no chance to photograph it. hopefully soon though. it's been a good week for my art book.

So. Today was a crummy day at work. Half the day I had too much to do, the other half I was sitting around doing nothing and waiting for other people to finish their projects. Not fun. Plus I seem to have some kind of mood sponge, and whenever someone close to me is in a bad mood, it rubs off. Not fun, part two. Then, the worst part. I had to attend a meeting with three of the biggest bigwigs of the company since my boss was out sick. I was slightly unprepared, not to mention feeling nervous and out of place. The actual meeting went fine. . . until they starting talking politics. Talk about uncomfortable. Two of them had opinions that could not be further from mine. . . . ugh, horrible. I wanted to puke and cry at the same time. Ouch. A topper on top of a bad day of feeling unsettled and moody.

But there's good news. As soon as I got home, I cleaned the kitchen and started making dinner, a chicken pot pie from scratch. I changed the sheets in the bedroom and did a load of laundry. Had an idea for a collage and started cutting some pieces while the pot pie was in the oven. And now i feel like I've flushed out all the bad of the day and reordered myself. Sweet relief.

All these simple things have made me feel so much better about myself than whatever dumb thing I accomplished at work today. And obviously, I don't feel like this all the time, I do enjoy my work. But after a rough day it's nice to come home and be comforted by domesticity.

bits and pieces

Some pretty things I've found in the past few weeks. Wildflowers in a park near my house. Zinnias in the side yard around dusk. And "natural graffiti," shadows from some foliage on our dining room floor.

Things have been nice and quiet around here. Lately I have been waking up fairly early and really enjoying it. sunday morning the whole neighborhood was so cool and super quiet, I ate breakfast on the back patio and it felt like I was the only one awake for miles. It's lovely. We've been having some friendly bird visitors on our back patio, too; a hummingbird, a pair of american goldfinches, and a daily afternoon sparrow party (dozens of them!). It's fun to watch.

I'm appreciating all these calm docile moments. Lately I have been feeling a little unsure about some of my friendships. Once again it's an issue of my being in a different life place than some of my friends and it makes me feel so awkward. I'm pretty sure it's all just my perception, but still, I think about it too much and it troubles me. Not everything is easy. But. Everything is good, ultimately.

all things considered.

Things i've been considering lately:

1. Getting a haircut with bangs.

2. Taking a life drawing class.

3. Cleaning out/tossing a TON of my paper stash. (just considering though. we'll see.)

4. How can I make the most of the rest of the summer? I need to regain that adolescent feeling of exciting summertime adventure.

I think we need to go on vacation somewhere new and exciting. Currently the top of the list is a bed and breakfast in Door County Wisconsin that is also a Sheep Farm and Art Gallery. I swear I didn't dream that up, it's totally for real.

5. Is it a good thing or a bad thing that the premiere of this season of Project Runway tonight pretty much negates every bad thing that's happened to me in the past two days? Oh, Tim Gunn, his voice is like a soothing balm to my troubled soul.

rainbows and flowers

I'm still feeling pretty quiet. I have to say, my break from the internet has not been as much of a break as I'd hoped, but I feel like I'm making strides. I have been taking walks and reading and cooking more than before.

I've also noticed that I feel a lot less pressure to start new projects. When I constantly look at flickr and read art blogs, I get crazy with the amount of stuff I want to do/try/accomplish. That has definitely subsided in the past week or so. It's refreshing, and I feel like it's allowing more room for original ideas and my own taste/aesthetic. Essentially, I feel better about making my own way, rather than wishing I was more like someone else. If that makes sense ...

Anyway, here are some pretty pictures. Rainbows and flowers. Word.

not fast enough for us

"Walking was not fast enough, so we ran. Running was not fast enough, so we galloped. Galloping was not fast enough, so we sailed. Sailing was not fast enough, so rolled merrily along long, metal tracks. Long metal tracks were not fast enough, so we drove. Driving was not fast enough, so we flew.

Flying isn't fast enough, not fast enough for us. We want to get there faster. Get where? Wherever we're not. But a human soul can only go as fast as a human man can walk, they used to say. In that case, then where are all the souls? Left behind. They wander here and there, slowly, dim lights flickering in the marshes of the night, looking for us. But, they're not nearly as fast enough, not for us, we're way ahead of them, they'll never catch up. That's why we can go so fast; our souls dont weigh us down."
Margaret Atwood, The Tent

I have a lot to share but not a lot to write today. i'm conducting an experiment this week and trying to slow down and cut back on some of the noise in my life. I'm hoping to reduce the massive and wasteful amount of time I spend on the internet, the mindless TV watching, the obsessive email checking, the shopping online with no intention of buying. It's just NOT good for too many reasons to list. I want to be more aware of my time and how I'm spending it.

So with that, I don't know when I'll come back to my blog, it could be a few weeks or so. Just a little break. I'll leave you with a few links and art projects and things.

I can take a break from a lot of things on the internet, but not flickr. And definitely not my favorites. Lately I've been looking for photos of creative gardens, outdoor rooms, and beautiful naturey things.

I'm reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver right now, and it's definitely inspiring me to spend more time in the kitchen and garden. All the seasonal, super healthy recipes from the book are here.

Measure for Measure is a New York times blog about songwriting, and Andrew Bird is one of the contributors. Fascinating stuff.





some collages from this weekend. i could have made ten more pages in the same color palette, I was really enjoying it.

Thanks for listening. See you soon.