cuteface

David, 6 days

We had a good morning today. Last night I slept for more than 4 hours, and this morning David has been either alert, eating, or sleeping; not too much frustrating in-between of crying or fussing. We even danced around listening to Jack Johnson for a while. Happy times. 

This afternoon has been . . . okay.  I met with a lactation consultant about my breastfeeding issues and the news wasn't great. I have pretty low supply for some reason she couldn't pinpoint. Thankfully I have a new plan of attack and it can only get better from here.  

a whole new life

Me and my David

We had our baby! The experience was unbelievable. . . yeah, I still can't really wrap my head around it. Can't believe this precious thing grew inside my body and now lives in this world.

I've been writing a long story about my labor, which I'll post at some point. I'm happy with my birth experience, which is nice because it's been a little rough since then. I'm not going to lie, this has probably been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Nursing is not coming easily, going without sleep is definitely not fun. It's just hard, and I know people always tell you that, but it's totally different to live through it.

Which is not to say that this isn't also the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like I understand Love in a whole new way. For not only my son, but for my husband too. He has been a total saint.

More to come soon. . .

dropped!

I can't figure out why this baby isn't here yet. I've been dilated to 3 cm for more than a week, and the doctor keeps telling me I have a "favorable cervix." Every day I have more Braxton Hicks contractions. And the baby has definitely dropped. See above for evidence (and compare to a week ago!)

I know I've said this before, but my emotions really do vascillate between peace and anxiety these days. I know that the baby will come when it's ready. I know that this is not my event to plan. (Which is part of the reason I'm slightly uncomfortable with the idea of being induced, which will happen this coming Sunday if there's no baby before then.) I know I need to be patient and let whatever happens happen without fretting about it. But I'm ready, we're ready!

I was really hoping to give birth on this historic day. How amazing would that have been? I suppose there are still a few hours left in the day, though by this time I'd rather just have a good night's sleep and start laboring tomorrow morning. Let's all hope.

baby watch!

I feel like I'm on Baby Watch this week, like it's a storm or big event followed by a local news station. It should have it's own theme graphics and music.



Thanks Brian Fantana.

So, update: no baby. However, I did have a lovely day yesterday so I can't complain. Lazed around in the morning, got a pedicure in the afternoon, made some art, watched Juno. Appropriate, I know.

There's been a repeating pattern this week that I can't quite figure out though. Every evening I start to feel. . . different, somehow, and go to bed thinking this will be our last sleep without a baby. Then when I wake up the feeling has totally passed. At this point I'm just assuming the kid is taking after his or her mother (punctuality is not a strength of mine) so I'm trying not to get too impatient.

remaining days

belly update! 39.5 weeks. large and in charge. 

I have four more days until my due date. At this point, it's safe to say I'll probably be overdue. Just a hunch. I hope it's not by too much though.  I still feel pretty good but it's hard to wait and wait and wait for something and then . . . . wait some more. I've been going back and forth between feeling peaceful and feeling super restless. I know I need to cherish these last days of childlessness. 

A few good things:

- I have successfully navigated this pregnancy without getting cankles. HOORAY! It was one of my biggest fears. Stupid, I know, but yeah, just one of those things. I still fit into my regular shoes and boots. They might not zip up all the way, but they fit!

- It's the coldest week of the year. So far it hasn't affected me much. Maybe my inner pregnancy heater finally kicked in. (Which is a good thing since my winter coat no longer buttons very efficiently.)

-In my delicate condition, everyone at work worries about me driving. Any amount of snow fall = snow day! Tomorrow's looking pretty good. 

well, I'll be

I actually made some art. Hurray! A few pages from the week of Christmas. There are more on my flickr, and more for me to add tomorrow, too. 

(The book is getting so fat that it doesn't open flat anymore, hence my fingers in every picture. I kind of like it though. Gives it a nice scale.)

Anyway, besides art, here are a few other things that have been occupying my time this week:

-updating my tumblr more often. I think my attention span is better suited to tumblr these days. 

-Rereading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I highly recommend this to any pregnant woman, or really any woman. I usually have an aversion to this word, but it's very. . . empowering. And has helped me to overcome some of my fears and weirdnesses about birth. One disclaimer, it is kind of for hippies, so if you are not into crunchy tales of giving birth naturally on a farm, it might not be the book for you. But I'm into it. 

-Trying to maintain a positive attitude despite the fact that I have HAD IT with wives tales, other people's advice, birthing horror stories, etc. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I think I take things too seriously, I just need to let all of it roll off my back. Honestly, though, who wouldn't hate hearing things like, "your hips are too small to give birth naturally." What the hell, ladies?! Let's be kind and understanding with one another. Luckily the good stories and sharing have outnumbered the bad, but the bad ones just linger with me. 

-On to better things. . . . I checked out Swedish Cakes and Cookies from the library and I think I might actually have to buy it. I made "Marta's Chocolate Slices" last night and not only were they super simple to make, the results were fantastic. Plus the book is just cute:

magical science experiment

giant baby! 37 weeks. photobooth self-portrait.

Sometimes I forget that I look like this. Then I find myself near a full length mirror and it wigs me out a little. 

There have been a few periods of time during my pregnancy that I've felt really connected to the season in one way or another. Some of the milestones seemed to really merge with the larger patterns of the year.  It turns out that I had planted most of my garden right around when I got pregnant. And then I took the pregnancy test on Mother's Day. And soon after that, little seedlings started coming up in the backyard. The zinnias were in full bloom and the tomatoes were finally ready right around when I started showing. 

And then, Advent. The time when the church prepares for Jesus coming into the world as a little baby. So this Advent was super meaningful to me. . .preparing for our own little baby. I woke up the day after Christmas and just kind of felt Ready in a way I hadn't felt before. 

So that's where I am. Despite wondering and fears and nervous anticipation, I do feel like we're ready. Almost there. 

And in other good news, I also got some of my making mojo back. I've actually been making collages and drawing and finishing the quilt I started months ago. I really hope this continues for the next few weeks. Who knows what my creative life will be like after that. . . 

Merry Christmas

image from notebookdoodles. (a new blog discovery, which is a gift in itself.)

Although it's been a tough few days, the sun is finally out today and I'm feeling happy and Christmassy. This was the first year ever that I've not been with my family on Christmas Eve, which was difficult. But video iChat, lots of baking, and positive thoughts have made a big difference. Even though I'm not with my loved ones, at least I have them and it's just one day out of the year.

Today we had breakfast and presenting with Mike's family, and now we're watching episodes of Arrested Development and working on crosswords. I made croissants and pain au chocolate, which has been on my baking to-do list for a while, and feels like a nice accomplishment. Maybe later today a nap and some snacks, with fake champagne. Yay.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Fireplace mantle dressed up for Christmas.

I will be spending most of my day in this room. . . . I'm home from work! Yay for bosses that do not want a pregnant woman driving in a snowstorm. It's a good day for baking cookies and finishing a bunch of baby-related tasks I've been meaning to work on.

santa claus came early

so, guess what? we have a new baby in our house. and no, it's not a human baby.


it's a macbook! yay. it's been so long since I've had a laptop, I'm pretty stoked. photobooth is pretty sweet too. i have a feeling there will be many many photos that look very similar to these.

holidays and indignities

On the homefront.
I'll tell you a secret: I don't feel like I am very good at decorating for holidays. I don't like a lot of store bought stuff (which means i don't like spending money on store bought stuff) and when I attempt to make my own I'm not pleased with the results. This usually means our house doesn't have too many holiday touches. Which is why we haven't ever put up a big tree and we've been married adults for four Christmases now. I'm determined to change that this year. Or at least improve.

But it's December 7 and we still don't have a christmas tree. Two reasons: We are indecisive. and. Why are all the fake trees pre-lit nowadays? What a cop out.

I am having Mike finally bring down the advent/Christmas decorations from the attic later today. i don't mind not having a tree. but the house feels empty now without the advent candles and nativity scene.

But I did bake gingerbread men today so some sort of festivity has been achieved.

On the pregnancy front.
I am reaching a state of indignity. Putting on shoes and socks is a challenge. I finally broke down and bought the kind of jeans that goes over the belly. It's a new level of pregnant around here.

new art making space

Most of my art supplies are now condensed into a basket for big paper and a rolling cart/shelves for small papers, photos, and everything else. The cart fits pretty neatly into the front closet. And when I need to work, I roll it out and work at the dining room table. So far I'm pretty pleased with the arrangement. The lighting in the dining room is a lot cozier than the office, so that's a plus.

I can't say there's much. . or anything. . happening there right now though. I'm exhausted today. I actually fell asleep on the couch at 6:45 waiting for Mike to come home and make me dinner. It's been kind of a rough week at work, so I'm not sure if it's that or some crazy baby growth spurt. Either way, I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

organic

from playnice:

Your joy is organic.
Birthdays, weddings, firsts of any kind- we want these events to be special. But you can’t force a moment to have meaning. Keeping your heart open will give you more meaningful times than you could ever force. And without the stress of willful over-planning, you can relax and enjoy the memories you’re making.
Today remind yourself: My joy is organic.

nice thoughts for the beginning of December.

My month is off to a good start. I've even made some collages in the past few days! Wonders never cease. I'm reviving my December envelope book project. It's a happy thing to work on as the days get merrier and the baby gets ready to be born.

progress and process

I continue to become more and more at peace with our house/space situation. At one point I felt like all my interests and art supplies were going to be boxed up and put in the attic and forgotten. But I feel like I turned a corner at some point this week and things have really been on the upswing.

Some things that are helping:
-Tackling one thing at a time. I think it had been so overwhelming to me that I kind of shut down and just assumed the worst. I'm finding that if I clean one shelf or reorganize one cabinet at a time, it all seems manageable. Plus we have way more room in my house than I realize, if only things are organized in a more functional way.

-Getting rid of stuff I truly don't need. How many books are on my shelves that I will never have an interest in reading again? How many tiny scraps of paper have I been holding onto because they might be perfect for some theoretical future project? It's best to put it all in a goodwill box or the recycling and just move along.

-Embracing the change. The more I work on reorganizing, the more I feel like I'm making tangible strides towards Making Room in our Lives for the Baby. And then I'm happier about everything.

clean bookshelf, with my vintage books for clipping at the top. I know it's not lifestyle photography at it's finest, but it's prettier than it was before, that's for sure.

Thanksgiving

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on my last post. It really is nice to be able to share something on a blog and feel like I'm receiving something good in return. I'm definitely less stressed now that I've made a list, and also given myself a reality check.

I have to say, I think Harriet might be on to something. . . maybe I really am more anxious about the baby than I'm willing to admit, but it's easy to transfer the worries to the furniture, to something tangible. So I have been turning those thoughts over in my mind and trying to make some peace about all of it.

And now, some happier, more Thanksgiving-ier news! I have been baking every night this week, which is so satisfying to me. Even when I'm doing two loads of dishes every night and not sitting down until 9 PM. We're having Thanksgiving at my parents tomorrow, so I really don't need to do or make too much, but I still like to bring something. This year it's two pies and some cinnamon rolls for Friday breakfast.

I'm super excited about this pie recipe from Martha Stewart Living, I think the November issue. Triple Chocolate Pumpkin pie! How can you go wrong?

(obviously not my photo! thank you amazing MSL food stylists!)

My other pie is pretty classic, the "Perfect Pumpkin Pie." I've made this one before. It really is foolproof, and takes almost no time if you opt to use a premade pie shell.

I'm so happy for this four day weekend and for all the things I have to be thankful for. I hope you have a great holiday, too.

to-dos

As I posted on twitter today, I'm starting to get a little hyperventilate-y about having a child in less than two months.

It's not labor I'm concerned about, or my life changing, or really the actual kid at all. I'm worried about STUFF.

I think it would be helpful for me to not listen to other people, ever. Throughout this pregnancy, the only time I have ever been nervous/anxious/scared is when I take people's questions and comments and turn them into something to fret about. People keep asking me, "oh, is your nursery all decorated?" And the answer is a big no. No crib, no changing table, no cute arrangement of books and toys on a cute shelf.

For the most part, I'm not super concerned about this. It'll get done, and if it doesn't, oh well, we'll figure it out once we get there. But the more people ask, the more I think about it. And freak out.

We still have to figure out how to rearrange our house. I feel like I'm putting together a Rubik's cube here. The guest bedroom will become the baby's room, and the office will become a combination office/guest bedroom. The issue is, what to do with our two giant desks, two computer workstations, my ginormous mountain of art supplies, etc. etc. And it kills me to say it. . . I feel like the art supplies will be the first thing to go. I have enough concerns about that to merit it's own blog post, so I'll just leave it at that. But otherwise. . . there are questions of storage, questions of furniture, questions of how is this all going to happen with a kid on the way, and during the busiest season of the year.

I think it's time to write a detailed to do list. Just to maintain some control over the whole ordeal.

and I know this is one of my rambliest blog posts ever, but it's just all on my mind and I thought I might as well share.

twilight

I have a confession to make. I read. . . . and enjoyed. . . the Twilight books. You know, the cheesy teenage vampire series that's getting all the hoopla right now. Now, when I say "enjoy," that doesn't mean I think they're great works of literature. The writing actually kinda sucks. And most of the characters are weak and sort of annoying. BUT, it is super fun escapist reading. And it brought back a lot of forgotten teenage memories and feelings that I haven't indulged in a while.

So, tonight my book club and I are going to see the movie. I'm pretty excited for some frivolous girly fun.

oh, teenage vampire love!

If you're interested (no matter whether you've read it or not), here's a hilarious (but spoiler-filled) comparison of the book and movie from nymag.com.

32 week photos

I've had a few requests for some bump photos, so here you go! These are from this week. I have been trying to take pictures somewhat consistently, at least one every week or so. It's one of those important "for posterity" things. I know that I would love to see photos of my mom when she was carrying me.

Things are still going amazingly well. I get tired when I try to do too much, and just physically getting out of bed can be a challenge, but I haven't run into any other problems. Though I still have two months, and I honestly can't imagine how much more I'm going to grow in that time span. . . so we'll see how much more challenging pregnancy can be.

miscellany

i have real content brewing but for right now, just this.

i often save things onto my desktop at home, or my pictures folder at work. I really need to start writing down where these things are from, because most of the time, i rediscover them months later and am curious about their origins. aren't these old jungly animal photos great? you know I love old photos, but old exotic photos are even better.

and. it's interesting that I found these photos saved from just around seven months ago. Lately I have been thinking about buying myself a baby gift. . . you know, not for the baby, but for me. I have a habit of buying a pair of shoes anytime something important happens in my life: new job, promotion, whatever. So it's not surprising that I'm thinking about really splurging for this really important event. I've been wishing for a pair of Frye boots or shoes for a super long time. . . here are some favorites:

ensuring our child's imminent nerdiness

I'm nearly 31 weeks pregnant now, only a little more than two months to my due date. Since I'm due around January 17, I have a pretty convenient countdown of the days: whatever anyone says on the news is the amount of time until we have a new president. It's a good estimate for me. I think yesterday it was 68 days. Whoa.

As the baby gets bigger I'm definitely thinking about it as more of it's own person. It seems like it's a constant companion. The baby goes to stupid work meetings with me, cooks dinner with me, listens to NPR in the car with me, that kind of thing. It's really comforting. I feel like I will miss it slightly once he or she is actually out in the world.

Lately Mike and I have been talking about how we should read to the kid. Usually when we say this, we're sitting on the couch, and the reading materials at hand tend to be J. Crew catalogs or Newsweek. I'm pretty sure "Lightweight wool. Dry clean. Sizes 0-12" is not exactly a riveting bedtime story, though we did get some appreciative kicks after an article about the demise of the GOP in Florida.

Last night Mike was a little more determined and we got out a few of the board books we've received so far, and some of the poetry anthologies I've collected over the years. It made me so happy and emotional to have Mike reading to our baby. Except that he kept cracking up at how cheesy Robert Frost can be. And the Dylan Thomas choice was a little more depressing than something you'd normally read a kid. But we had a nice time.